Part 1 is here
As a child, when someone asked me what is 2+2, the answer would come after a small (considerable) pause. I believe a request-response relationship was established with the mind. I ask the mind ‘something’ and the mind scans the memory, comes up with its best possible answer, and then responds. When the teacher asks me what is 2+2, I end up ‘thinking’ – and subconsciously a request is made to the mind. The mind scans the memory banks to identify the ‘previous’ instances of when ‘2+2’ was asked, computes an answer, and replies. If ‘2+2’ is asked multiple times over the course of a day or week, the mind will ‘imprint’ that pattern. It imprints or stores not just the answer ‘4’, but also the responses, emotions, feelings, whatever of myself (AND the teacher) when I gave the right answer and the wrong answer. These are ‘strong’ responses – that are further reinforced by society. An ‘extremely’ wrong answer to an ‘easy’ question is met with rebuke by teacher, followed by laughter of your friends, and possible whacking by your parents. And the mind sees all, stores all. Safe to say, the mind tends to develop a strong bias towards a wrong answer. Similarly, a correct answer to an ‘extremely’ difficult question is met with delight by your teacher, awe by your friends, and pride by your parents. Mind stores these strong responses as well. And, based on the nature of upbringing, a person tends to keep quiet to avoid answers – or pursue challenges to get the next ‘hit’.
Apologies, I again went on a tangent there. But I hope the point I’m trying to make is clear. As a child, I used the mind when needed, but as I got older, I had no choice but to use it all the time [now that I was in college and a work environment]. The mind was the only tool I had and I used it all the time. The mind – that was happily playing like a puppy in the backyard– transformed into a werewolf over a few years. It became a beast.
And I thought that was the problem. But the reality is much worse. The house keys, car keys, bank account are all with the mind now. I had given total control to the mind without even realizing it. Everyone was doing it – and I was behaving like everyone. So, there is no problem right!!?? Everybody was graduating, getting a job, getting married, having kids – and I’ve achieved the same (with a better house, shinier car, better paying job, etc.). So, I win, correct? This realization that I’m just a secondhand person took me years. Decades! It’s totally fine if this is exactly what I wanted. But I didn’t even get to a stage where I ‘thought’ about what I wanted. Why? Because the ‘puppy-like’ mind has now transformed into a monster like below.
It might look quite similar, but there are massive differences. See, my mind changed from being a request-response system to an always ‘ON’ system. It’s constantly scanning my environment and automatically telling me ‘Answers’ to various problems. I never ‘asked’ anything (let’s revisit this later). But I now have ‘answers’ to everything around me. As modern humans, the ‘scenery’ around me is extremely consistent. The modern society has very little – in fact, zero life threatening scenarios that I must be vigilant about. Nothing! Security is paramount for the brain and body to function – but since security is all but guaranteed, body relaxes. The mind has observed that too and has simply taken over the complete body itself! Now, almost everything ‘I’ see or hear, is filtered by the mind. The mind, in its vast wisdom, has decided that I have no survival issues – and therefore, I can focus on all my ‘past’ problems. And hence, this torrent, incessant stream of thoughts. And again, this realization took me years!
Over decades, I do the same routine again and again! Hardly anything changes. So, the mind now has the processing power to go over my memory banks and give ‘answers’ to all my past ‘problems’.
I should have provided a better reply to my boss in 2004
If I can go back, I will invest in this stock in 1998
Two days ago, he did not wish me good morning. I think he hates me. Maybe I offended him in last year’s office party.
There is no end to this. It’s a Flood. A torrent of thoughts.
And I’m being dragged to different corners. Sometimes, my head is above the water and able to breathe. In rare cases, I am onboard a boat, cruising along (happens during day-dreaming thoughts of how rich I would have been and what I would do if I had invested in this stock in 1998). But, on most occasions, I am just sinking under this deluge of past ‘mistakes. Feeling bad, miserable because of such ‘negative’ thoughts (not realizing that thought itself is the problem – not the ‘negative’ thought). People have told me to think ‘positive’ (like cruising on a boat). But here’s the issue: whether I’m sinking or cruising on a mega-yacht, it is all a lie! Everything is a lie. There is no boat. There is no water. The torrent – is just made up ‘answers’ coming in wave after wave – produced by the mind.
But wait, why did this torrent of solutions occur? Where did it originate? I never asked any question – is the first thought that came to me (Yes, we’re revisiting what I earmarked above).
Really. I didn’t ask the mind to provide me with opinions and solutions to made-up problems – I could’ve almost sworn. It took me a long time to realize that I did ask it – ask a lot! And this is where we get into the domain of desire!